Underneath

Falling again
Though I try
I try to fight it
Again it will begin
The heaviness the pain
Sanity
A struggle to grasp
A struggle to keep
Unavoidable
The shame that comes from the pain
Unavoidable
The clouds
They're unavoidable
The grey heaviness presses pushes
Down I go
Down down under the ground
I go
To numb to fight though I know it's right
Beyond I go
Beyond the point of no return

The Words

The words emerge
Out of pain
Out of sadness
The words emerge
Out of anger
Out of disappointment
The words emerge

Speak of inspiration
Don't speak of happiness
Don't speak of bliss
Don't speak of admiration
Speak of inspiration

There was no where to turn
Only words would emerge
The battle for relief
The battle would not let go
No one would know

They would only know
When the words emerged
Why there was no letting go

They could know the pain
The pain they could not feel
They would try
Their stones could not feel

Ahhh

Ahh
The pressure
Looking down I see it
The darkness
My head
The implosion
The pain

Looking up I see you
Over me
Right hand on right shoulder
Left hand on left shoulder
The pressure
Cracking shoulders
Cracking under pressure
My back gives in
Bending backwards

Keep pushing
It keeps getting darker
Looking up
Reaching up
Left arm right arm
Reaching
Pleading

Slipping away
Grasping only air
All I hear is the clicking
The click click
Slowly moving away

The gentle breeze welcomes my demise
Enveloping me
The darkness welcomes me
Painfully
I fall
Forever

Race and America

After the verdict of George Zimmerman was handed down yesterday, of not guilty the country was saddened, but not surprised. According to the jury, Trayvon Martin because he was an African American male, not man, but child has no rights in this country. Their 'not guilty' verdict says that a child's life is disposable, as long as he is different. Whether that be that he is black, Hispanic, or LGBT. No matter how innocent, no matter where you live, if you're African American you can be shot down dead and never have your aggressor prosecuted.

Every African American person in this country right now feels like it is open season on our young people. On our family members, on our fathers, our mothers, or brothers and our sisters. Even if you are an law abiding citizen, if you are African American or anything but straight and white, you can still get murdered for no reason, and not get any justice.

The right wing began their fear mongering campaign, saying watch out, there's going to be looting and riots and black people are just going to go crazy. Because clearly in the light of tragedy, minorites can't control ourselves. Because clearly to them, we are animals, and can only behave as such and that's why we need to be treated as such. So that it's always the black person that is guilty, guilty of being black. Guilty of going to the store after dark for skittles and walking home, black.

Even the prosecution gave up on defending Trayvon. They were afraid to even mention that race was the entire reason why George Zimmerman followed Trayvon. The entire reason why he got out of his car and started a confrontation with the child. They decided to believe George Zimmerman and give up on prosecuting him.

So now what? We can't depend on the police to make arrests when their supposed to. We can't count on prosecutors to defend the rights of our black victims, so now what? Wait for 'God' to step in? Isn't this just another illusion? Putting faith in some that 'they' gave us, so that we will wait forever for something that will never happen. So that we will not rise up and fight against what we know is an continuing injustice. What now? Keep waiting? I'm sure that's what they would want, so that they can continue living in their 'safe', 'controlled' atmosphere. While they get in their cars and stalk, harass, and murder anyone they feel could be a threat. Anyone that doesn't look like them.

What do we tell our children? Even more importantly, how do we protect our children from these monsters?

We must go to our legislators, protest, peacefully to get these laws changed. All people must be involved, because if you are different in this country you can be victimized, and there is no one that will try to make it better, but us, the people.

The Shame of Tears

You could see her pain as she sat there. As each memory seeps forth into consciousness she squeezes her eyes shut to try and block it away. Each time her eyes open you can see the tears pushing forth. She looks down to protect her dignity and to hide the shame of her tears. Her skin, though honey colored, is pale and her lips quiver trying to hold back sobs.

"Do you need a break?" I asked not wanting to push her to far over the edge.

"No, I'm fine," she replied through her scratchy, pained throat, "What was the question again?"

"Tell me about the first memory you can think of from your father."

She had stopped the tears from falling and sat up straight, looked me square in the eye as she began her memory.

"I came home from work, I think I was about sixteen at the time. Everything seemed normal and a few hours after I arrived my mother called me for dinner. All three of us sat at the dinner table, but something felt wrong, I felt nervous. My parents kept looking at each other at that moment I knew I was in trouble and I was desperately trying to figure out what I had done. I could not think of anything at all. 'What did you forget to do today' my father asked me. I thought my heart would beat out of my chest I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. The cloak of fear completely enveloped me, I couldn't think at all. I think he asked another time and I just stared at my dinner plate scared half to death. Then it came, he hit me so hard my head cracked back and I flew back and out of my chair and onto the floor. I was crying hysterically on the floor," she said and paused squeezing her eyes shut with her fingers, while panting as if she was experiencing the pain right at that moment.

"You are in a safe place now, you can continue when you are ready," several moments went by before she could compose herself to continue on with the story.

"As I laid on the floor my father got up out of his chair and started hitting me, he was pulling my hair, I just had my hands up trying to protect myself. I was scared to death and started screaming and crying. I couldn't believe it was happening. I remember having to go to the bathroom, wanting to jump up and run to the bathroom but I was to scared to move. He kicked me in my stomach and I started to gag in between the desperate and hysterical sobs and I peed on myself, right there on the dining room floor. I was so embarrassed and afraid that he would see and get angrier at me. After a few more moments of him pulling my hair and hitting me my mother finally said 'That's enough', and the nightmare ended; well that nightmare ended. He walked away and went downstairs and started drinking and watching tv, what he usually did every night. I finally got up and happened to look at the wall behind me where I put my hand trying to steady myself I remember the wall was splattered with blood, my blood, probably from my nose or my mouth I can't remember which it was. After I saw it I started sobbing and went to my room and went to bed."

"Did your mother come and try to comfort you?"

"No I figured whatever it was that I did wrong or whatever it was that I forgot to do I deserved the punishment, I'm sure that's the way she felt."

"Have you ever told anyone of the this episode?"

"No, I asked my mother if she remembered when that happened and she said no."

She was looking at me now, I could see in her eyes that she either wanted my to justify what had happened to her or to make it disappear from her memory. I actually felt guilty for knowing that I could do neither, all I could do is try to help her live with these memories and get over them one week at a time. This was neither the first nor the last, I could see that there is much more behind those eyes and I will get to everything in the coming weeks.

"Thank you Doctor, I feel a little better getting that out."

"There is no need to thank me, that is what I am here for, same time next week?"

"Yes, same time next week."

Time

You keep saying it
But I don't feel it
Then another day goes by

You keep saying trust me
When there is no proof of certainty
Then a week goes by

A promise is a promise in my eyes
You can't say you gonna just to compromise
The lyrics play over and over in my head

The broken promises
The illusion of hope
Another day

I can see the door opened wide
Getting closer and closer
Closer with every hour
Every minute
Every second

I can see pain on the greener side
I can feel pain on this side
Which pain is worth it

I still can't decide

I can feel the coldness of the door
I reach it with displeasure and disappointment
I can see behind me
Your standing there
Your back is towards me
Wrapped up not seeing

Slowly my right foot lifts
The outside is cold but welcoming
The inside is cold and lonely

Relief washes over me
I lift my other foot to walk completely out
To abandon the glimmer of hope you gave me
In the same movement you are at the door

I'm snatched back inside
Before I can even breathe
The door is slammed shut

Another promise is made
Another feeling of hope is formed
Another hour minute second goes by

Another day

Another week

I can see the door again
Wide open

Then it starts again

The feeling that your promises will never be fulfilled wash over me

Another second

Another Minute

Another Hour

Another day

Another week

The door to the other side is open
The door to my heart is closed
When there are too many broken promises
You lose the illusion
You lose hope
You lose
Me

What does this timeline mean to you?

It started with
Excitement
Happiness
Pleasure
There was a little 
Fear
But that quickly turned into
Love
With the feeling of
Safety

Than came the
Confusion
Betrayal
Anger
Pain
Sadness
Then
Forgiveness

The new start came with
Happiness
Contentment
Doubt
Fear
Resentment
Sadness
Anger
Loneliness
Pain

The result of this pain was
Pleasure accompanied with
Guilt

Then came the

Sadness
Then the 

Self forgiveness which returned to
Love
Hope
Contentment

But then there was

Confusion
Which led to the knowledge of
Betrayal
Which caused
Pain
Knowing the truth brought the illusion of
Hope
But that couldn't heal the 
Treachery

Which caused the feeling of being
Alone
Stifled
Which brought on
Resentment
Sadness
Anger
Which led to
Pleasure with the result of
Guilt

This pleasure
Caused
Unexpected
Love
Which was
Rejected
Ignored
Then
Guilt
Sadness
Resentment
Confusion
Anger
Pain

All of this brought on the great 

Collapse

This "Holiday"

I kept it deep down inside
Where I thought it would be lost even to me
I never wanted to see it again and when it came up through the year I ignored it
Pushing it back down to where it was invisible

The day then comes around and the whole world reminds me of it
They are all celebrating the happiness of it while I wallow in pain
I first feel it in the back of my throat
It gets dry and scratchy with small tinges of soreness

I then start to think of things that are and that were
And the things that cannot be and the one that was stolen from me
Closing my eyes I try to push back hard on the memories
Then the ache comes its like no other
Starting from my neck and shooting straight down to my heart
My hands quickly grab my chest as I gasp for air squeezing my eyes shut trying to make it all stop
It doesn't it just gets worse
I have to sit down covering my face ashamed
I'm ashamed by the display of pain that comes rushing to my face

My skin becomes all blotchy red leaving me looking pale and sick
The ducts in my eyes can no longer take the access moisture and it clogs
Letting the excess flow to my face and down my nose
Desperately trying to control it I sniffle constantly
Trying to sniffle and inhale back the pain

Seeing the desperation I am displaying my cat runs to my side in order to comfort my soul
And finally it subsides my throat relaxes and the burning sensation subsides
My heart lets up on the pain
I start to push back on the memories putting them back deep inside
Where no one can see
No one will know the pain because no one will see
Wiping my face cleaning my nose
I'm almost back to normal almost back home

I lay down on the bed close my eyes and just breathe letting it all go
The pain
The disappointment
The anger
I let it go with the air I breathe out

I sit back up and the pain has gone
Back down to its deep dark corner of my heart
Waiting
Until next time